|
When to Cuss
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old, "I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna' say something with hell and You say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His Mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."
|
|
The D.A.T. golf tournament has been set for September 6th. It will be held at Tyler Meadows, as it has been for the last 24 years. Larry told us that there will be some "special surprise guests" playing . . . turns out it's only the governor and attorney general. 8 a.m. tee time
D.A.T. II - 2007 (click on it for registration form)
|
|
The lovely Dani
|
Timmy, being the cheap bastard that he is, promised to buy his wife lunch today. Glad you could make it, Dani! |
Gary Cassell bragged that his lovely wife, Colleen had stuck with him for 48 years! Secondly, "and more surprising", he just celebrated his 70th birthday!
BRONCOS TICKETS AVAILABLE!!!
2 tickets in the North end zone. Section 119 and Row 37. They are right behind the the goal posts. Tickets are $70 each. There are also tickets for Sat. August 25th against Cleveland; Thursday August 30th against Arizona. Both are 7 PM games. The other game is Jacksonville on Sept. 23rd. Contact Dave Blomberg if you're interested. daveblomberg@comcast.net or Hm ~ 484-8124 |
Ronny Bush bragged that his wife was no long with Frontier Airlines. The story goes that his wife came to Ronny and said she wanted to retire. Ronny, ever the logical one, said "Well honey, you don't have a job . . . you can't retire!" Well, she reflected on that, got a job, and is now retired!
John K pointed out that, by mid-year, our Foundation has reached $55,000!
In regard to beer sales this year at the game, he also told us that it now costs $10 to park, so be sure to pick up a parking pass before the first game. TIPS (Training Intervention Procedures) training will also be needed for most of us. The following schedule has been set up:
TIPS Training Classes at The Hughes Room in Hughes Stadium
August 18th, 8 a.m. to Noon, Saturday
August 18th, 1 P.M. to 5 P.M., Saturday
August 21st, 6 P.M. to 10 P.M., Tuesday
August 22nd, 6 P.M. to 10 P.M., Wednesday
Contact John to arrange registration for a class. John also tells us that the State of Colorado places limits on liquor liability for those who have taken TIPS Training. "We also will be carrying the Sertoma International insurance policy which provides comprehensive coverage for our club members who are participating in this activity."
RONN FRANK ~ Because you're a member of  , it has been requested (by Nathan, of Turning Point) that you vote (at work) to sponsor Turning Point's bike tour!
OK ~ for all of you with computers too dumb to open the map to Stoner's house for the installation, try this one:
Plantorium Greenhouse
County Road 54G
Fort Collins, CO 80524
(970) 482-9145
"Google", then follow the directions to the Plantorium, then turn SOUTH onto the East-side gravel road it (the Plantorium) sits on. Drive to the end of that road. Ed says "if you find yourself floating, you've gone too far". (That's because there's a river behind his house.) He says he'll put balloons up at the turn, as well. If you don't have this figured out yet, we'll tell you about it next week. :-)
Ed says to wear tennis shoes or walking shoes to the installation. There will be paddle boating and a canoe available to cruise the pond. Bring your own DEET!
If YOU have an amplifier or speaker system that can be used at the installation, contact Dave Blomberg: daveblomberg@comcast.net or Hm ~ 484-8124
John Pharris had a good news/bad news brag. The good news is that his "baby girl" is about to embark on her college career. The bad news is she is GOING TO CU, IN BOULDER!!! Poor John had to spend 2 days on campus for orientation!
|
Speaks for itself!
|
Paul McCoy told us, when presenting the speaker last week, that "If I seem a little nervous, it's because I'm afraid my girlfriend's pregnant". Hmmmmm. He also pointed out the advantages of Parkinson's Disease. Don't ask.
E. Scott Billington said that "that dirty booger" Roger Sample, has been promising to take him to lunch for 3 weeks, and hadn't done it yet. Roger replied "next week, Scotty!"
Carl Glaser told us about Mrs. Grotsky telling her husband "SEX!??! You want SEX!??! You'll get sex when the neighbor boy walks on the moon!!!" Turns out the neighbor boy was Neil Armstrong, who remarked "Good Luck Mr. Grotsky" upon setting foot on the moon. I looked on Snopes for that story, but couldn't disprove it.
Our esteemed treasurer, Chris MacDonald requested that we all mail checks for the installation to him ASAP. We are really running tight on money. OR, failing that, if all of the members who haven't paid their dues just pay up, we'll be good. Go ahead and put a check in the mail now . . . I'll wait. The address is:
Fort Collins Sertoma Club
P. O. Box 1083
Fort Collins, CO 80522
We'll be playing the Berkeley Bears on September 8th, John tells us. We'll need about 20 guys for beer sales, so attend the TIPS training if you haven't in the last 3 years. John also pointed out that, since John Clagett accepted the position of Beer Czar, we have seen neither hide no hair of him. John Clagett, phone home!
|
Reputation
Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of Hepatitis C.
My parents live in Fort Worth and one of my sisters, who lives in Austin, is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana.
They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas.
I have two brothers; one who is currently serving a life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994.
My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time 'working girl'.
All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.
Here's my question... Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hillary Clinton for President?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation |
Brad Burns requested our help with his CASA golf tournament on September 21st. He (covering ALL bases, apparently) asks that, if you belong to a church, temple, or synagogue, to ask your church, temple, or synagogue to sponsor a foursome. (Is that like a threesome, but with FOUR?) If he can get "each church in this town" to sponsor a foursome, he can fill up an A and B flight. (Rob Allerheiligen pointed out that Brad didn't ask how many belong to a cauldron)
Nathan Scott says "if you're a biker, bikee, or bikette, sign up for Turning Point's Pedal To The Point bike Tour".
John Clagett (welcome back!) told us that if you're selling beer on September 8th, you'll need to be at the stadium by 9:45. Parking passes (now $10 at the gate!) will be distributed at the meeting the day before. Beer will now be $5.50 for regular beer and $6.00 for premium. Call or email Mr. C with questions.
Our new slate of officers:
President: Randy Willard
President-Elect: Dan Kaup
Treasurer: Chris MacDonald
Secretary: Bill Benton
Sgt. at Arms: Tim Miller (oohhhs and ahhhss!)
Programs: Lee Cooper and Ken Borrett
V.P. Projects: Mike Tarantino
V.P. Membership: John Clagett
Newsletter: Mike Thorsrud
Board Members at Large: Ken Reiter, Brad Dusek, and Dick Zipporlin
All were approved by acclamation at the latest meeting. There will be a joint meeting of old and new Board Members on August 15th at Chris MacDonald's office at 712 Whaler's Way ~ North American Title.
|
|
|
Ruell Rolston, Mike Radcliffe, Bob Copplin, & Nathan Scott,
our newest inductees! Lee Cord and Tom Bryan wimped out. (They musta' heard about the "induction by chicken") |
|
THREE THINGS YOU REALLY NEED TO THINK ABOUT |
|
1. COWS
2. THE CONSTITUTION
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
COWS: Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our
government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the State of Washington, and they tracked her calves to their stalls, but they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.
THE CONSTITUTION: They keep talking about drafting a constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS: The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse...You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians -- it creates a hostile work environment.
|
|
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so
We decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me,
It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was
twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless.
One day 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to
me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm
going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just
come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her
go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down
the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed
straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was
standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future
father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have
passed our little test... We couldn't ask for a better man for our
daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is . . . . .
Always keep your condoms in your car...
(thanks, Dick!)
|
A Golfer's Lament . . . . |
|
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs…phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls". When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?
Signed,
Perplexed
|
*************************
|
About 55% of all U.S. prisoners are in
prison for drug offenses
